Guilt|Pleasure

Remember Tomorrow: Chapter 1

Although he was casually dressed in a pair of battered denim and a plain black t-shirt, he was drawing attention. The way his torso had filled out against the cotton shirt; the biceps stretched the shortened sleeves. His blonde, short-cropped hair framed the shape of his face. He didn’t appear to notice nor care the looks he received from the students passing by, as he sat at a stone-formed bench as he looked at his phone through his dark shades.

There had been a few brave co-eds, flanked by friends – who had come up to him, attempting fractured English to speak to him. He would smile cordially and answer in heavily accented Japanese that he was waiting for someone. And he had, for nearly an hour.

He snapped his phone close again, looking up as another 30 minutes passed and another group of students and a few professors stepped out of the University. He watched again, intently scanning the crowd full of primly dressed men with dark hair – for that one person.

And he finally emerged from the building. Two hours had passed. He couldn’t help but smile. Katsuya Asano hadn’t changed very much, from his last memories of him. The serious look on his face as he spoke to another man that was also in a full three-piece suit. A black leather briefcase in one hand. He always looked immaculate and dressed to the nine.

He stood; ignoring a mild cramp that had been building in his legs as he straightened. He pocketed his cellphone and made his way through the men and women passing him. He was a few feet away when Katsuya stopped mid-sentence and looked at him. There was a fleeting moment of confusion first before Katsuya excused himself from his companion.

“I don’t know any other way to find you,” he said. He extended his hand forward and Katsuya took it. They shook hands briefly.

“That’s fine,” Katsuya said, answering in English. “I didn’t expect…”

He smiled and nodded.

“May I have some of your time?”

Katsuya returned the smile.

“Of course, Phillip.”

“You look good,” Phillip said as soon as the waitress had left after she took their drink orders.

They had walked to a café a short distance away. Although the place had too many students from the University – most of whom looked at them over the shoulders not too stealthily, Katsuya settled for it. A look at his watch told him he had only 20 minutes before he would be picked up for another shift at the police headquarters. He didn’t have much time nor options. And seeing Phillip again made him feel good in that, he knew the kid made it okay. It had been four years.

“So do you,” Katsuya said, intently on keeping the conversation in English to keep the listeners minimal. “I must say I wasn’t expecting to see you here, of all places.”

“I’d been here for a month and half,” Phillip said. “I’ve been reassigned to Misawa, up north. It took me awhile to decide that I wanted to see you again, although I’ve thought of you since I left the hospital that day. Then there’s a matter of trying to find you. The closest lead the New York Prosecutor had given me was that you taught at the University here part time. However, I didn’t know your schedule nor did I know how to acquire the information…”

Their drinks came. Both of them had ice coffee that came with small ceramic jars of creamers and clear syrup.

“I hope you hadn’t been waiting for me every day outside the school,” Katsuya said with a pronounced frown.

“Just on my days off,” Phillip said, emptying the syrup into his black coffee. “I figure I might catch you eventually if I came here on my days off and wait.”

When Katsuya’s frown didn’t go away, Phillip laughed nervously. “It’s ok! I was only out here four times! I didn’t wait that long! I swear!”

Another few moments of silence went by before Katsuya’s grimace lifted and he took a sip of his black coffee through the straw.

“Have you kept in touch with the psychiatrist that took over your case…about him?” Phillip said, his voice dropping the enthusiastic tone when he asked.

“No,” Katsuya said. “Once the case’s passed from my hands to another, I lose the jurisdiction. Patient-Doctor confidentiality locked me out, when I am no longer in charge of his care. Sorry.”

Both were quiet. The café was noisier with all of the tables and booths taken; boisterous with young men and women socializing with the kind of vigor that was a strange contrast against Katsuya and Phillip.

“I think…” Phillip said, looking down at his drink. “I want to see him.”

“For what reasons?” It was a genuine question. Katsuya looked thoughtful as he asked it.

Phillip wiped away the droplets of the condensation from the glass with his thumb.

“I want to know what I had been afraid to know for years,” Phillip said. “I want to know if dad had suffered or had it been quick. I want to know if dad thought of me before he died. I don’t want to know why he did it. I know why. But I feel I need to know about other things…just so I can feel a little closer to dad.”

“Did you find some peace of your own?”

Phillip shrugged.

“Does it still hurt?” Katsuya asked, rephrasing the question.

Phillip looked up, his eyes were a little glassy but he forced the smile on his face to remain. The corners of his mouth were tight.

“It always does, when I think of him. And I think of him every day. But after these years…I want to stop feeling it. I want to stop remembering dad with this kind of pain.”

Katsuya gave him a nod.

“Aren’t you going to pat me on the head and tell me the hardest part of any problem is to admit you have a problem?” Phillip said, emptying the milk into his coffee and coloring it tan.

“They frown upon that in my line of work,” Katsuya said. “But I am glad that you are looking to get better. Forgetting is easier than forgiving. Are you ready to do that for Gabriel?”

“Actually…” Phillip said, stirring his coffee with his straw – the ice clanked noisily as he did so. “That's why I am here. I would like for you to help me.”

“Oh?”

“I’m not sure what your rates are or if my pay can cover it, but …”

There was a pause. And before Phillip continued, Katsuya’s phone rang. From the grimace that was on his face, Katsuya knew who the caller was even before he picked it up.

“I’m at the café shop a block away. Yes, “Au Courant”. Please give me 10 more minutes.”

When Katsuya hung up, snapping his clam-shell phone close, he looked back at Phillip again. His expression hadn’t changed. He looked as if the call didn’t matter.

“Work?”

Katsuya nodded. “Afraid so. Perhaps we should continue this conversation next time you are free. I’ll be sure to clear my schedule.”

“Of course,” Phillip said sheepishly. “I’m sorry to show up unannounced after all this time.”

“I’m glad to see you,” Katsuya said. “I’ll be more than happy to help you any way I can.”

Phillip’s face lit up. A little more than excited, he bolted upright in his seat.

“Really?”

“That case had been close to my heart,” Katsuya said. “It was my first State assignment. I’ve always thought about it because I didn’t have an opportunity to close it. I’ve felt guilty, leaving it in someone else’s hands. If I could help you come to a closure, even if it won’t be a complete one – it will also help me feel less guilty about it.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way, doc…I mean…I wasn’t exactly willing to listen to what you had to say back then.”

“You were behaving exactly what a 22 year old should behave,” Katsuya said. “I am glad you found me again.”

“About the pay…” Phillip started again, when Katsuya’s cellphone rung again.

This time, Katsuya didn’t pick it up – instead, he looked over through the window that was to the right of their booth. Phillip followed Katsuya’s gaze and they were looking at an unhappy man leaning against an illegally parked car idling against the curb. The man took the phone away from his ear and shoved it into his pocket. The scowl on his face never left as he gestured at his watch.

“My ride is here,” Katsuya said as he pulled a pen out from his briefcase. “Call me tomorrow and we’ll arrange a time to talk properly.”

Katsuya jot down his number on the napkin and slid it to Phillip.

“About my rates,” Katsuya said as he took one more sip from the coffee. “Take care of my drink this time and we’ll call it even.”

Katsuya stood, straightening his suit after he did so. Phillip slid out from the booth and stood with him.

“I can pay!”

“I know you can,” Katsuya said. “And I’ve told you what my rates are.”

It was unexpected and it garnered more stares than Katsuya was comfortable with, when Phillip pulled Katsuya into an embrace. Katsuya didn’t have to look to see the shocked looks from his students and most likely, the already-annoyed police escort that was staring intently through the window at them.

“We are not in America anymore,” Katsuya said. In that instant, Phillip released him, put a distance between them and apologized. It made Katsuya smile.

“I’ll see you soon,” Katsuya said and patted Phillip on his shoulder.

Phillip watched Katsuya leave and get into the car where the man had been waiting. The man shot a challenging look at him before he disappeared into the driver’s side himself and pulled the car into traffic.

Phillip folded the treasured napkin that was the re-connection between himself and Katsuya and stowed it into his pocket. He finished his drink and looked at Katsuya’s left coffee. The bill came; the slip of paper curled into a small plastic cup.

Phillip gathered Katsuya’s glass to himself and took a sip from the straw. The bitter coffee didn’t agree with him but somehow, he felt elated. It was just like having an indirect kiss from the doctor. It made him feel foolish but he didn’t care.

He was still smiling, as he politely refused the company of four girls who had offered to drink with him. Phillip paid the ticket – 970 Yen. He slid the receipt into his wallet.

The price of his doctor.